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So, yesterday was a bad day. No let me revise… yesterday was an extremely emotional and gutwrenching day for me. And to think I almost stayed home…

I woke up yesterday around 8am and turned on the water. Put on some old school Destiny’s Child and had a little dance break in the shower. Put on a towel and had a smoke on the front porch. Got dressed and was ready for my trip to San Francisco.

I recently ran out of my favorite lube, Gun Oil. Unfortunately, you can only buy it at select Adult Stores. I decided early in the morning to go to the Clinic and get my tests done. I’m already going to be right around the corner, why not? And figuring that the wait would be longer than at the Sex store… I went to the Clinic first.

I can still remember the first time I had gone to City Clinic. I had attended Folsom Street Faire with my friend Chris. Since we were drunk (I was 19 at the time) we thought it would be hilarious to go get tested in the streets. Bad idea. They give you a cup, a qtip and PortaPottie. You pee in the cup obviously… in the PortaPottie. The qtip… you are supposed to give yourself a rectal swab with it. I actually injured myself with it… Don’t ask. Anyway we laughed it off and were like, “No worries here!”

The next day a man from City Clinic called me and informed me that I had an STD… not just one in fact, I had two. I was devastated. Chris has one as well… he wasnt nearly as surprised. I felt disgusting. Angry at the man that gave them to me. I’m only 19… this shouldn’t be happening to me. They told us it would take one week to get our results… it only took one day.

So we went to the Clinic that week to get treated. I dressed as if I were going to a funeral…in all black with waterproof mascara. I felt like everyone could see it… I’m dirty and they all know it. I was having panic attacks every few minutes… waiting on the edge of my plastic blue chair… waiting for them to call my Number. I clutched it so hard that the ink rubbed off on to my hand. Again, Chris was not nearly as upset.

The people at the clinic were amazing. They could tell I was upset, could tell that this was the first time that I had ever had something. They gave me my medicine… a hug… and we left.

Everytime I have gone back to the clinic, I have the same thought… I’m dirty. Only now, I put my number in my pocket so I don’t get black ink on my hands. I bring a book. My iPod. A friend usually.

But yesterday, it was only me. Fortunately, Mondays aren’t a busy day. The woman who took my information was nice. Turns out she lives in Antioch as well, so we had a long discussion about our recent discoveries at the Flea Market. Sweet.

I didn’t have to wait very long. I explained that this was just my routine screening. So here we go. Pee in the cup. Qtip in the butt. We are going to give you the rapid HIV test so you will know the results in 20 minutes,okay? Okay, thank you. One finger prick, 3 vials of blood. Back to the waiting room.

I have stupid veins apparently. I always end up looking like a drug addict from all the marks that the nurses leave. Except for Patricia. She always gets it on the first try, and luckily for me… she was there. She makes me laugh. And I was surprised that she remembered me. We talked about work. Talked about how the guy who brought me was hot. His name was Mac… but apparently, everyone calls him Daddy. Can I call him Daddy? She laughed.

I go have a cigarette. Why do I have menthols? I don’t even like Menthols. I call Heather. God I hope I have Syphillis. No you don’t. No, I totally do! Shut up. I love you. Love you too. I go back in.

Number 44.

Mac shows me into the room and closes the door.

You’re test came back Positive.

The silence that followed that sentence was deafening. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I’m dirty. Mac just looked at me until he felt I was ready to hear more. I don’t think I was really listening. How am I going to tell Mom? I couldn’t breathe. Mac asked me about medical benefits, my doctor, who can I talk to. Talk to? Everyone… but not sure how. He told me that my whiteblood cell count was extremely high… apparently it has been here for a while.

I’m dirty.

He asked if I would like for him to contact my sexual partners. No, I think I should tell them myself. He didn’t think that was wise, afraid that they would get angry and harm me. Okay Daddy. He called his Doctor and set up an appointment for me to get on medication right away. You don’t have to do that. Why are you being so nice to me? Because I want to.

Mac has been positive for almost 24 years. He shared his story with me. Joked about his career in porn back then. Talked about our favorite bars. He made me stop thinking. He actually had me laughing a little.

Can I go smoke please?

My hands couldnt stop shaking. I got fed up with my lighter and threw it into the street. Damn, I loved that lighter. It shattered. How appropriate. Heather. I need to call Heather. Called once, no answer. Keep trying. Call again… And she knew immediately that something was wrong. Heather… um… I got my results back and… I’m positive. Without any hesitation, she wanted to know where I was and when she could steal me away. Liz was there also. She told me she loved me. God, thank you for sending these people to me. I really needed to hear that.

Mac came outside to check on me. He told me that he has set everything up for me. Everything will be okay. I hugged him so hard before I left. To think, the man I lusted after when I walked in the door… turned out to be an Angel in disguise.

I walked through the streets of San Francisco in a complete daze. I remember hearing horns blaring at me and not caring. I must have looked ridiculous. Homicidal, even. I must get to Heather. She will know what to do. I board the BART train and find my seat. I notice little things that never seemed important before. People with shoelaces that didnt match. Remnants of tagging on the walls. People staring at me… Can they see it? A man flirting with me on the train. Stay away. I’m not okay.

And as I see Heather and Liz driving up in their car, I begin to cry. It was the first time. They each got out of the car and ran to me. I’m so sorry for ruining your day… I didn’t know who else to call. They put me in the car. We were going home. There would be food and drinking. Lot’s of drinking. And Daniel. I love my roommate. And the Pirate… and it was her birthday. I ruined it.

That night I was a mess. Randomly breaking down. Crying everytime someone touched me. I drank. I broke my own rule and smoked some pot. At one point someone brought me water… I poured it over my head. I was a complete wreck. I couldnt sleep.

My biggest fear has always been to tell my Mom that i was positive. And now, I had to.

(This all took place on Monday August 25th 2008. It took me several days to finally complete this blog.)